The Sentiment of the Forlorn Emptiness

 

I was sitting at the edge of my bed one cold afternoon near the window, watching the rain outside gently falling as they obliviously had their final embrace. The sky was grey and the rainclouds at its darkest. The threat of heavy rain was about to continue for days. The trees were silently dancing as the wind gently hit their stems and leaves. Some were blown away, swayed to the distant far before they have reached the very ground.

             The melancholy of the atmosphere terribly haunted me to my bones. Recollections from the past dilated my nerves and conjured a hundred bolts of sadness. My body coiled because of desolation cast upon me. Every muscle retorted in pain that forbid me to take even a single step towards my window sheet. I was nailed, my feet frozen as if I was plunged in an icy lagoon.

             Dews of raindrops painted my windowpane. A minute or two, I began to stride, and I slightly pushed upward the frame till it was half open. I felt the coldness on my skin as the wind caressed my weary sanity, and my arms were half drenched. My body longed the touch of its coolness, wanted to gulp by its embrace. I shut it again and hurriedly went outside.

             Again, I felt the nippiness enveloped my entirety as I moved slowly. It shivered my earthly body down to my spine. I was completely soaked. All emotions summoned in an instant, echoing to my very soul. Every droplet made an impact as it smashed into me. I surrendered in my heart. I felt the rivulet of chilling water running down my body, but I could still feel the lonely warm liquid dripping upon my cheeks.

             I stood near the tree just a meter away from our deserted lawn with my face upward. My eyes were closed, and my chest couldn’t maintain its placidity. I tried not to make a sound, but I trembled inside. I tried to hold myself but my tears continuously falling to its aching grand exit.

             The rain heavily pouring. I was transfixed beyond explanation. My chest seemed to explode as if there was a heavy laden. I cried but couldn’t make a sound. I felt nothing only the throbbing pain. My limbs began to shake not because of the chill but because of anguish and torment. The pain was terribly different. I was stunned and repeatedly broke me as if I was stabbed by hundred knives, or more likely, as if I was thrown into a fiery pit.

             I was still standing in the wilderness under the pouring rain, in the wilderness of loneliness and jailed me within its power. There was only one thing for sure, the rain couldn’t take away all the pain of yesterday. I could see no one, so dim around me. I was like dancing all alone amidst of the darkness- the dungeon of miseries.

             Suddenly, a cold wind lashed upon me. It jolted out from deep thoughtlessness. The feeling of lightness and dizziness consumed my lucidity. It was a dream that brought weird feelings. It was strange so I wandered my eyes around me. I was in my room. I saw the usual arrangement of my books, bag, and cabinet. The throbbing pain lessened as if I was transported from a deep trance. My body was not wet, but my eyes were. And as if I came back to real life and I gained my soundness, but my mind was still pre-occupied. Even in my dreams the pain troubled me.

             I got up from my bed and opened the window, I saw the grey sky. The sultry wind vanished and replaced by the cold breeze. The dark clouds gathered but continuously wandering above without destination.

                       The blue and chilly day brought so many memories. Sorrow invoked painful recollections. I cried helplessly while sitting on my bed with my arms around my pillows. It was a sad mid-summer afternoon.

                       It took me minutes to calm myself and attempted to go downstairs but I finally hesitated. When I was in the stairs, I could hear voices in the living room. Some were murmuring and some were weeping. I went back to my room.

             The strange feeling never disappeared. I felt like I was floating, so light.

 I closed my eyes and the image of someone I knew flashed back. I saw his angelic face, his cute eyes, and his smile. It brought me into tears knowing he would never be mine, and there was nothing I could do. The love was not mine to have for he belonged to someone he truly loved. The agony caused me so many discomforts. Again, my tears ran down, it felt like I was drowning in an immeasurable pain.

 I finally strode down my room. I could still hear the voices, so vivid. I asked myself why they were crying as if someone died. I went through the back door for it was open.

             I was astonished! I have reached the house of the man who ensnared me in a matter of minute. “Is this how love works?” I asked myself. I saw him standing at the door. I hid myself behind the huge tree so he wouldn’t see me.

             My heart pounded upon seeing him. There was an extreme happiness. I felt the nervousness all over my body. I was unaware I was walking slowly towards him till it was inches away. I could see his face, bothered and so lonely. He was like a sad angel. I wondered what happened, but I stood still.

         Suddenly, the cold air blown upon us. He faced towards me. But why? His eyes were cold as ice and as if he didn’t see me, as if I didn’t exist. I was standing just next to him. I wanted to touch him, but I was so afraid he might go mad and completely ignore me. So, I just stood silently while watching him, but still he never talked to me. I loved him but that was the only thing I could do.

Suddenly, I heard voices. Voices that I longed to hear, and it grew louder and lively as they came closer. Happy and naughty as ever. I missed them. I missed the times when we were hanging out together, drinking and joking. It was like it has been a long time since we spoke. I really wanted to hug them tightly. But how? They too have ignored me just like what he did.

 I was standing near them just beside him. “But why didn’t they talk to me? Did they really intend not to say anything? What is wrong with my friends?” I exclaimed. “But why they didn’t look at me, or even glanced at me?” I continued.

 They were trying to cheer him up, tickled him and joked at him.

 “I saw him in my dream. He smiled sweetly as if he wasn’t even in pain. I feel guilty because I rejected him. But he was happy in my dream not even had a single pain on his face.” He spoke. “And now he’s gone.”

 I wondered who he was referring to. Suddenly, he began to cry. My friends came to hush him. Tapped his back. I wanted to embrace him. I wanted to hug my friends. But I was clueless about what was happening. I paced to them. My heart ached as if the electricity of anguish bounded me, so tight and wouldn’t let me go. I burst into tears, but they didn’t even hear me. I went back to him but why this odd feeling wouldn’t let me go? I wanted them to talk to me. Yes, I wanted it so much!

 

My hand stretched out to touch him and our friends. The feeling of uneasiness suddenly engulfed me. I tapped his back. I uttered a whisper to comfort him. Again, I held his arm. But why?? My hand just slipped through him as if my fingers were hollow.

 My chest pounded in uneasiness. I was dumbfounded. I didn’t understand the emotion that surrounded me. “What is wrong with me?!” I exclaimed. I was sobbing still they couldn’t hear me. I tried to hug them, but my friends didn’t even feel me. I passed through them.

 The cold feeling was all over my body. The extreme feeling of fear, oddness, and emptiness mixed that it tangled me in great and vast oblivion. I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless and couldn’t think straight.

 I ran faster as I could. I fled from them and went straight home. Again, I felt the lightness and transported me quickly, but I ignored it. As I walked through the back door, I could still hear the weeping voices. And without hesitation, I marched slowly towards the living room where I heard those voices of agony and grief.

I saw the people and my loved ones standing around the white casket. They were crying, their eyes were swollen red, their face mirrored deep sadness and loss. I stepped closer to them. I wanted to know who was in the coffin. I just passed through them. And I had a clear view of the person silently lying inside.

 I was frozen in fear, shocked and dazed. I shouted to the top of my lungs, terrified. I yelled loudly. It made me burst out in pain and tears knowing no one could hear me. I screamed and screamed but no one could even see me or knew I was there.

 It was the most horrifying thing I had ever witnessed, to see my own immovable and lifeless body inside that chest made of glass.

 

            I repeatedly called their name. I yelled as loud as I could. I held them but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even grasp them with my bare hands. My tears continuously falling as I tried harder for them to feel me or, at least, hear me. But all I did was futile.

     I felt like everything of me was being purged in an instant. Every aspect of earthly delights withered. I was nothing but a desolated empty being. All was left was me, void, restless and mourning. The sad feeling of farewell was truly unacceptable.

 How could I ever agree to take this uncharted state and go to the rightful place when unfair truth distressed my clarity? How could I ever go on from this when everything suddenly changed without warning? How could I put my heart to rest when no one was even there to talk to? Would they ever miss me? It was hard to say goodbye. I wished I could turn back the time. I wished I could make them stay.

               I wanted to be with them a little longer. Talk to them. Laugh with them.

          The final farewell came to pay its due. I marched with them to the place where I should rest. The song from the service swayed our hearts to the very edge of grief. All memories flashed all at once.

 My heart ached because of the thought that I would be gone and that means I wouldn’t be able to witness every moment of the lives of my dearests. I would not be able see how my friends hang-out together happily, and I would not be able to hear their boisterous laughs and see their naughtiness.

 I would not be able to feel how he made me fall and how he made me stun. I would not be able to join him to have a cup of coffee while talking, laughing together and puffing cigarettes. These really broke my heart.

  The pale gloomy sky threatened to pour. The chilling wind had blown lavishly while the trees silently bowing and swaying to its command.

 All I could hear was the sound of the swirling wind, the whispers of the leaves and the sobbing sound of my dearest ones. Some were soundlessly crying, and others were weeping. All was there in black and white, surrounding my lifeless mortal body to pay their very last goodbye.

 I was standing beside him. His eyes sadly looking at my coffin, fixed, seizing the moment for he would never see me again. He stood with no sound but tears gently sloping down. I wanted to hug him or wipe away the tears, but I couldn’t even do. As my tears fell, for the very last time, I embraced him again hoping to feel him even a little, hoping to feel his skin or his cheeks or make him feel I was just beside him. But I failed again. If I could only hug him for one last time.

 I glanced at them, one by one, my beloved family, friends and relatives, same picture of faces that “loss” have cast upon us. And I cried even more. The pain stabbed me constantly for they would never see me again.

 The rain had finally poured down heavily, violently, mourning as I mourned while the four men slowly placing my casket down to the earth. And I cried helplessly.

         I never stopped. I tried as hard as I could for him to hear me, I uttered words of plea, begging but useless. Helpless. Weak. Tired.

         I submitted myself to my opponent that I had no match against- death.

         After a minute or two, I calmed myself and surrendered. I leaned my head on his shoulder and imagined to feel him while crying, and whispered on his ears: “I have to let things go and proceed to where my fate is. I just have to believe that you are thinking of me too so that I could have the strength to traverse my journey alone. But when the time is in our side, God will lead you back to me. I know we will say hello again because I know it’s not goodbye. Know that when you laugh, I will laugh too. If you get hurt and cry, I will sit beside you and will cry too. Though you can no longer see me but know I am right beside you. Know that I’m with you in your success and will be happy when you are happy. I Love You.”